On Being Called “Difficult” at Work

Quick answer: Being called “difficult” at work often has less to do with actual behaviour and more to do with how assertiveness is perceived differently depending on who’s showing it. The label deserves a closer look before it’s accepted at face value, though not every instance of feedback is unfounded.

It tends to arrive the same way each time. A performance review, delivered gently, almost as an aside: “Some people find you a bit difficult to work with.” Ask what that means specifically, and the answer is often vague. Somewhere in the mix, there was a deadline pushed back on, a piece of work sent back for revision, a request declined. None of it sounds unreasonable in isolation. But it adds up, and eventually the label sticks. For more perspectives like this, visit our Voices section.

The Pattern Nobody Names Directly

Assertiveness Reads Differently Depending on Who’s Doing It

The same behaviour, pushing back on a deadline, asking for clarity, holding a boundary, often gets described differently depending on who does it. This pattern is easier to notice in hindsight than to prove in the moment, which is part of what makes the “difficult” label so hard to argue with.

It’s Rarely About One Incident

By the time the label surfaces, it’s usually not about a single conversation. It’s an accumulation, one where each individual moment might have seemed reasonable on its own, but the aggregate gets summarised as a personality trait rather than a series of specific decisions.

Sitting With the Discomfort of the Label

The Instinct to Immediately Soften

A common first response is to shrink, to agree faster, push back less, smile more in meetings where disagreement was the honest reaction. That instinct is often less about improving how someone works and more about making the label go away, which isn’t the same thing.

Separating Feedback From the Label

Some specific feedback, in isolated instances, may genuinely be worth sitting with. But treating “difficult” as a single, undifferentiated verdict makes it hard to figure out which parts deserve attention and which parts are really just discomfort with hearing no.

What Tends to Change, and What Doesn’t

People who’ve navigated this often describe adjusting how they phrase pushback, becoming more precise rather than softer in substance, explaining the reasoning behind a no rather than just delivering it. What frequently doesn’t change is the boundary itself. The label prompts a look at delivery, not a reason to abandon reasonable limits.

Why This Still Feels Worth Talking About

Not every woman labelled “difficult” is handling it perfectly, and not every instance of the label is unfair. But the label does appear to get reached for faster, and defended less carefully, when it’s applied to women holding the same boundaries men hold routinely. That gap is worth naming, even without a tidy conclusion.

FAQs

Why are women more often called “difficult” at work than men for similar behaviour?

This pattern is frequently discussed in workplace research and personal accounts, often linked to differing expectations around assertiveness and likeability for women versus men in professional settings, though individual situations vary and not every instance follows this pattern.

How do you know if feedback about being “difficult” is fair or biased?

Asking for specific examples and behaviours, rather than accepting a general label, is a practical way to separate feedback worth acting on from a vague characterisation that’s harder to address constructively.

Should you change your behaviour if you’re called difficult at work?

It depends on the specific feedback. Reviewing concrete examples for patterns worth addressing, while being cautious about abandoning reasonable boundaries just to avoid the label, is a more useful approach than either dismissing all feedback or accepting it all uncritically.